the beauty of it all, part 1

i'm just gonna do it. that's right, i'm just gonna sit here on the pot and write a post while Toby has a nice long bath. afterall, when else will i ever be able to get online while rob's at work?

it's true, the day has finally come. rob has gone back to work and it's just Toby and me--for better or worse!

it's not all bad. though earlier last week i was absolutely DREADING rob going back to work, i now realize it's probably a necessary step in our truly developing a routine that works. so when i got rob off to work at 6:30 and Toby woke up at about the same time, i pulled him into bed with me for what i imagine will probably become part of our routine, and not a bad part either. together we kind of tossed and turned and napped for another hour. nice. that's one luxury i would not have allowed myself very often before!

however, i also was not getting up at least once per night before, standing by a crib and trying for forty minuts to soothe a frightened (?) child back to sleep.

and as i stood there somewhat begrudgingly, hearing to the clock chime 12:45, and 1, and 1:15, the thought circling my mind-- this is NOT what i signed up for--another more honest realization came: No, this is exactly what you signed up for; it's just not what you hoped for.

so the week-and-a-half since Toby has been home has gone --full of "what we signed up for", and "what we weren't excatly hoping for."

i have a whole new respect for those --all those through time--who have raised children. toddlers, in particular. this is alot of people. and i've never really thought about that before. but all of us were toddlers, and someone lovingly (and unfortunately sometimes not so lovingly) put up with all those nighttime cry sessions, willful tantrums, pulling at our pants to be picked up only to want to be put down again, playing with food and then laughing at our stern reactions, testing the boundaries, and almost continual demand for attention...and on it goes.

someone gave up themselves so we could grow up.

sigh. it hasn't been a particularly easy transition for Rob and me. we knew it wouldn't be. but you know, you can read a lot and try to prepare yourself--yet you never know how that is going to feel. i would like to be only positive here on my blog, record for the world and posterity how grateful we feel to finally have Toby be at home and be at this point of our journey--and we ARE grateful!--but, if i can't be honest on my blog, then what is it for? this is hard. and throughout the week i've written a thousand blogposts in my head, needing that kind of processing to talk me through this TOTAL life transition.

it's not new. so many have been here before, adopting a little one--or having a baby!--and seeing all their time sucked into a vacuum, and suddenly a shadow of despair threatens in...will it be like this forever? me running after an energetic, opinionated toddler and never having another adult thought, instinct, or initiative again? no, but at the moment it's all you can see spanning ahead of you. so you say to yourself (and i know i'm not the only one that has said this to themselves; others have confessed to me even this week!) ...this is not forever; this is only for a time...

some people thrive on playing with small children. i on the other hand, do not--never have. i like to watch them and interact with them for small period of time, and then hand them back to their parents. i never enjoyed babysitting, and this age was probably the hardest of all. like perpetual entertainment of a little one with whom you can't reason. sort of the worst combination for me. and i knew that going into this. but i always figured, "it'll be different with my own, because i will love them, and i'll be able to set the boundaries with them."

and this is definitely true, in part. you love them, and you get to mold their surroundings and behavior. but at the end of the day (or hour) you are still dealing with a toddler. i've always enjoyed school-aged kids more - ones with whom you can play actual games, have actual conversations, and who also run off to do things with each other or others.

but, lest you think i am completely undeserving of parenting this beautiful little gift name Toby Rasul (and i probably am; i think this several times a day) let me say: I do see the beauty of this age, and i do marvel at this precious little boy. And i marvel that God would place him into our care; this is completely inconceivable to me.

in my next post, hopefully part two of this one, i want to just record some of the wonders we are witnessing, as well as thge funny, funny things we are seeing, the growth we are privvy to, and maybe even what i'm learning through it. a tall order for one post, but at least if i write this here, perhaps i can hold myself accountable to posting these things at some point.

i know time is fleeting. and even if this is a hard adjustment for us - to miss the beauty of Toby RIGHT NOW would be a grave mistake. i don't intend to do that. so just BEAR WITH ME as i adjust, squiggle and squirm, and have my own tantrums on the road to learning to be a mom. this is a place i can process, and if i process, i hopefully will be a better, more loving mommy to Toby.

it's 3:20 in the afternoon, and i'm finally about to post this post, which i started this morning. all in all, it's been an OK first day alone. we had a mini meltdown over not coloring in the storybooks, and a major meltdown-- i think after i took toby down from the high counter chair after I'd let him help me make granola. he didn't want to go down, and this escalated into an all-out 10-minute tantrum during which toys were thrown down the stairsby Toby and overly-harsh words were uttered from mommy. but after mommy took a timeout to pull herself together , and once Toby yelled long enough to forget what he was mad about and he let mommy comfort him, we were OK. and we've been OK since. and I don't feel like i've lost my sanity, or that it's even been taxed too much. Amanda came over and took Toby for a walk, giving me a break to get some work done for one of my jobs, and now Toby is actually amusing himself on the floor with my Russian language folder, occasionally saying "momma!" just to make sure that i am there, to which I reply, "um hmm!"

so, yes, there is hope - hope for sanity and even joy within my new life. :-)