finally, peace comes...

peace, like a river, attends my way

sorrow, like a sea billow, rolls
whatever my lot, God has taught me to say
it is well, it is well,
with my soul

the past few days have been some of the most agonizing days ever--for both our minds and our hearts. we sought the swell of peace, but it didn't come; we surrendered hopes and expectations for the opportunity we thought God was placing before us, but in the end, He did not ask us to. we mustered our faith and courage to say yes to the unknown, we leapt forward in faith --but finally, He asked us, "why? why are You trying so hard to go where I'm not leading?"

we don't really expect others to understand what has happened here and in all the months leading to our coming to Ust, because we don't understand it ourselves. we hope others will be gracious with us. in the end, we know we tried as hard as we could; we didn't let our fears dictate in our decision-making, and we were ready to say yes to this little family regardless of what unknowns lay ahead or what it was going to require of us; in fact, we did say yes, even though we hadn't felt the increase of peace we were asking for nor received the confirmation we'd asked God to give us.

but in a defining moment late yesterday afternoon after we had given our decision, we came to a wall, and to the end of ourselves. we realized we're not to adopt baby A, and that some other wonderful family is.

we've cried and cried some more, but we've felt the swell of peace and relief that we has eluded us for fourteen days. and last night in a moment of God's graciousness, He provided a confirmation for us in the form of something we had asked him for as positive confirmation a few days ago- which He had not given then.

i had wondered why He was so silent during these days, why He was not granting the peace we were begging for, when we felt so sure He would go with us and show us what to do. i think now that i just couldn't accept that "no" could be His answer.

baby A, with sadness in our hearts and a sense of loss for the hope and love we've carried for you in the past six months, we release you to God's capable hands. He sees you, and He has a bright future for you. you are precious, and we will never forget you.

we're not sure what is next for us...we hope there is still a family in store, and that adoption may still be part of that, maybe still here in Kazakhstan; for now, we're going home to a lot of people who love us and with the assurance that we went as far as we could and gave the Lord all of ourselves in this...

His ways are mysterious and we can't always expect to understand them.

for those of you reading this who have adopted and are waiting to adopt, I just want to say-- we still think adoption is the most wonderful thing, even though it can be the hardest thing you ever do, and we admire you hugely. we rejoice with all of your stories, and we believe in hope for those yet to be written...even our own. please do not be discouraged by this...

love to all, from Kazakhstan...

sandy & rob