day 8-9...shaken foundations, and jesus' people surrounding us

"'When the foundations are being destroyed,
what can the righteous do?'

The Lord is in his holy temple;
the Lord is on his heavenly throne."
Psalm 11:3-4a

i've long been a fan of this verse and often go back to it when life is feeling unsteady to me. i like how it poses this scenario about us supposedly innocent and faultless ones helplessly hanging out as all that makes us feel secure, all we stand is being threatened. then, instead of giving some explanation or directive, it simply switches focus to an immutable truth: God hasn't moved and God hasn't changed.

life is feeling a little unsteady to me tonight. yet, God remains holy, sovereign...loving.

we were planning on "signing" and making things official today--and then this morning we awoke to another email containing a medical response that wasn't so positive; it kind of shook all our foundations.

it's been such a strange, strange day. we thought we were through this, we were feeling fairly positive--and now we've have been thrown back into the questions and concerns we had gradually climbed out of last week. it's been a day of praying, a day of reconsidering--weighing the cost of possibly accepting a child that has a reasonable chance of having ongoing problems, and wondering how might we deal with that; how does that affect us?

such a selfish question, and yet, who wouldn't ask it? my worst fears are stirred, and i just want to run. i just want to go home...home to indiana, where things were easy. home to my comfortable life. 

at least, that's how i felt this morning.

we have since talked to our coordinator, we've sent info for a second opinion, we've emailed family and friends to pray (again), we have talked to the baby home director, tomorrow we will talk to a neuro-pathologist, and we have met with baby A. actually, we had a very good visit with baby A; he was content, pleasant...he is precious. no one could ever deny that is is precious...but unfortunately when given choices, we begin to wonder about potential: ours, his, our family's...and then we know...as much as we want them, we're not gonna get guarantees; in the end, we take him as he comes, or not at all.

tonight, in a beautiful act of ecumenical faith, we gathered with the other three families who are here adopting and invited them to pray with us. yes, we can ask all our friends and family far away at home to be praying and we take comfort that they are as we make this hard decision--but, these are the people of Christ who are near us. we gathered around, we prayed for all our babies, they prayed for our wisdom, they brought out a picture of Christ and sang liturgical prayers for us that they'd requested from their priest back home this morning--it was beautiful, and Rob and I found such peace and comfort--we didn't feel like we're alone with this new family around us.

i don't know what we're going to do or decide tomorrow, if we decide anything tomorrow. i have been given much assurance that God is going to help us decide, that he's been here with us, that whatever He helps us decide He will help us walk out. i'm really glad He showed me his love in a very special way this past fall. i'm glad that he holds baby A and all the babies at the baby home in his hands--he sees and knows them completely. i hope--and i truly trust that we're going to walk in full faith in one direction and not continually look back.