honest confessions

i don't journal online or often record my inner thoughts here on my blog, but every once in a while i feel i want to make my thoughts available - or accountable - to others' ears. this entry is one of those times, so if you came looking for an adoption update, you'll have to view the other posts.

last week our home group watched a movie together: Mugabe and the White African. it was a very thought-provoking account of one white Zimbabwean family's four-year struggle against Mugabe's regime's efforts to take away their farm and forcibly "redistribute it" to "poor peasant Africans" (that just happened to all have some relation to members of the government).

the film was done from the sole perspective of the family--I'm sure there is a whole perspective that was not offered --but their efforts to stand their ground to keep the farm's livelihood and fight for the livelihood of the 500 Africans it employed, even if it required their lives, was commendable.  oh to be so concerned about justice and mercy as to be ready to die for what you believe is right, and especially on behalf of those weaker and poorer than you.

oh to be as concerned about mercy and justice as i often am about my house, my leisure and security, my enjoyment.

do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.

i said to rob as we lay in bed that night , we in America so take for granted our freedom and prosperity, and we miss the blessing that can come through suffering. rob's response - or, we're not very willing to take on the responsibility that comes with the great blessing of freedom and prosperity.

there is a greater blessing that comes with suffering for what is right, and especially with suffering for His name. but we flee suffering because we can.

i guess it is normal to flee what is hard or painful when there is a way of escape; it might suggest some type of abnormal pathology not to. but i think here in the West, we rarely accept or expect that suffering is inevitable...normal...and we will all get our share. how would it be, or look, if we did?

comfort and stimulation, aren't those some of our highest ideals here, if we are among those blessed to have our basic needs met and then some? what will make me the most comfortable? what will most excite/interest/arouse/please my senses? it is a rare individual--in my generation and younger, at least--who is more motivated by something else.

deep within, i think there is also the desire and need for significance - but the question is, when it comes at a price, which is sacrificed? i think our ideal - and yes, my ideal - is a perfect mix: some hard work, sweat, maybe the occasional tear or trial or discomfort or delaying of something i want for the sake of the greater good or at least someone else's good - but with the understanding that i'll also be rewarded when the time is right (i.e. wage, recognition, ease, enjoyment, personal gratification, or some other kickback).

it doesn't really sound much like "deny yourself, take up your cross and die", does it.

yet, from all i understand of the faith, through the Bible and even throughout the history of the Church, that is the life worth living. 

so, i'm left with the unnerving question: where does the rubber meet the road for me, here in middle class America (which is easily the privileged and wealthy class when compared with the way the majority of the world lives)? i'm not living in the midst of the what's happening today in Zimbabwe, the Middle East, Afghanistan, Uganda, and a hundred other places. i'm not even living in an American slum, with it's violence, poverty, racial stereotypes and inequality. i live in a quiet and comfortable neighborhood in middle America.

the issues are here, too, i know; the hurt is here, the poor are here - yet it's amazing how little i actually "bump" into them. and how little i advocate for those weaker than me.

i guess this is why one of my good friends whom i work with at our church does all she does for and with so many poor of our community. yes, certainly with the hope that the mercy, love and help she offers would eventually point them toward Christ in an irresistible way - but also, simply because it's right to help. many of them never respond in gratitude, never overcome the unhealthy patterns that enslave them, never take the opportunity for a new start offered by faith in Christ. yet, people like her help anyway - because it's the right thing to do: right to be involved, aware, and advocating for those who have no voice, fewer options, and little hope. that is the responsibility that comes with our blessing.

and that is bringing the kingdom that Jesus said was coming. he never said build bigger barns and nicer homes.

now what am I going to do about it?

sometimes i think my mindset, albeit unspoken, is - let me get all my personal comfort in place, and then i'll step up to the plate for others. but that doesn't really happen, does it. my comfort is always just around the corner...or the very act of helping just sounds too threatening.

Jesus, help me see...help me see.