oh so happy, little boy...

we're only half-way through monday, but i just have to post something!

that fateful moment that i've been both looking forward to AND dreading for months has finally come: we met Little R!

there's nothing like the strange feeling of getting in a van, riding to the baby home where you wait in an office to be shown the little child that is to become your child...the little child you've been waiting for, working for, praying for...how will you feel? what if you're disappointed? what if it doesn't feel right?  how should you feel when you meet a little stranger? 
could anything be more strange than that? it was so surreal for Rob and I, this being our second time round.

last time we were here, it really just didn't feel right. if i am honest with myself, it never felt right with A. maybe our fears about his coindition were just too great to allow us to enjoy what it was - but from the moment i met him, i just couldn't really see us raising him. it didn't feel "right" . does that mean that it was never meant to be? i don't know.

i think i've been afraid ever since that we might have a repeat of that situation, but we did not; we had a GREAT first meeting - the kind of first meeting i had always hoped for. i would have been happy just to NOT have that feeling of "this isn't right"...but to feel excited and happy and eager to go back and get to know this little guy - WOW, it's more than i could have asked for.

When the social worker first brought in Little R he just wailed - the poor little thing! we got out a bright blue tigger ball to interest him, and he stopped crying. he was definitely still wimpering when she put him in my arms, though, obviously scared (so normal!).  the social worker took him back in her arms and kpet talking in what seemed to be a mix of russian and kazakh, and we went back and forth between the Tigger ball and the doodle board. he got a little more comfy, and finallythey led us up to his room.

i just couldn't believe it --all the way up the stairs i just kept thinking, this feels SO OK!!! how could we be so blessed? he's so precious...could it really be we're so blessed as to be matched with him? could it really even FEEL right, not just BE right?

we only spent about fifteen minutes with Little R, but he seemed to enjoy rolling that ball between rob and him, and then between rob and me and him. we even saw the slightest smile at times. olga spoke to him in Russian (it seems the coordinator was unable to find a Kazakh to English translator, which is really a bummer) but oneof the caregiveres said he does undersstand Russian too - I guess we'll find out. at one point Olga said the word for "blue" in Kazakh, then she said it to him and he said it back perfectly - so cute! that's the only peep we heard out of him other than the crying, but it was really encouraging to know he's speaking. at the end when the caregiver opened the door and said it was time to go he wasted no time in toddling happily back to his room, eager to get back to what's normal to him.

he's a great, sturdy little fellow, good on his feet...i can't really say after our short meeting, but he seems just fine to me developmentally. i can't wait to go spend some more time with him tmorrow! he has these chubby little cheeks - i had to hold myself back from squishing them.

sigh...i don't want to get all excited prematurely, and tomorrow we'll find out all they know about his history and medical info--but, after all the uncertainty and then disappointment of last year, this morning was JUST amazing, and i can't begin to say how grateful i am feeling...how excited...how happy i feel right now...

i guess, i've held back emotion on this for months...my heart has been guarded, many of you know that. and even though the last couple months have been really good, there has still been some fear in the backs of our minds...we haven't wanted to hhpe too much , assume anything, get too excited or ecome to attached...

and even as i write this good report, my heart is feeling conflicted for one of the families that is in the throes of a difficult situation, the child they came to meet having been shown to another family. this is the reality of adoption! it's full of surprises, twists and turns, sometimes heartaches, and there are no guarantees...our prayers are going out to them as they have some difficult decisions to make. this time, we seem to be on the other side of that-the ones lending the hugs, prayers and support that they will need as we so needed eight months ago.

but all that said...no looking back. God is writing this story, creating this family, as He is theirs. and for the first time in months maybe i can let down my guard and begin to...love.

thank you, Lord...