learning my lessons...

this isn't exactly part 2 of my other post, but i want to record a few thoughts before i get them.

so, having toby around really tests my will. i don't really think of myself as extremely strong-willed, but boy does he know how to push my buttons.

take the matter of food. those first few days in almaty, toby was a beautiful eater, eating everything we put before him as i'm sure he did at the baby home. gradually, he began to be a little more picky-- not finishing everything, prefering somethings-- understandable. since being home, however, he has been gradually refusing more and more foods that he used to love, and now he outright REFUSES to try anything new, anything that is not familiar to him. even if it is the same food he has eaten before - if the color/texture/form is different than what he's used to--he simple shoves it away, turns his face away, and says NO.

so you say, "well, you've got to understand--he's going through a huge transition! he has so little control over anything, and saying no to food is one thing he can do!" yes, i realize that. but BOY, nothing trips my trigger like this does.

but why, WHY does it make me so mad? is it just that i worry about him not getting enough to eat, the right foods to eat, not catching up in his growth? well sure, i think about all those things...i don't want to have the one kid who loses weight after coming home! and he eats fruits very well, sometimes bread, crackers, cheese, bolony, noodle soup, usually fried eggs, fried potatoes, cukes and tomotoes, oh-- and any chocolate, cookie, or snack, as long as it came out of a wrapper (forget the stuff i or someone else baked)...so he's not going to starve.

but, could my aggravation be more than that?

i grew up with five older brothers and sisters, and none of us were picky eaters, to my memory. each of us may have had a couple things we didn't love or bucked about eating, but by and large, we ATE what was set before us. and there was none of this preparing something special for one child. so everything about this "give him what he will eat" thing GOES AGAINST MY GRAIN. i am of the mindset that the children eat what everybody else is eating, because we did!

what cloud are you riding, sandy...right?

i have always feared that i may have that kid who won't eat anything, and here he is. what's more, i stock up on all all these great foods - like cream of wheat, vegetables, meats, whole grain bread - and i make these delicious things i think he will like - sausage and cabbage, grilled cheese: not interested.  we have friends from church bringing us delicious dinners with chicken, tater tots, noodles, etc. ..and my son won't even TRY them. refuses to even PUT THEM IN HIS MOUTH.

ARRRRGHHH!

so, what's at the root? is it really worrying he'll starve to death? ...or is it...winning? or convenience?

sometimes when he and i butt heads--more commonly known as him having a tantrum, because certainly i am the reasonable and right one, correct?--i just want to win. i just want to force his little will to conform to my wishes b/c i'm the mommy. sounds terrible when i write it, right? yep. and if i do not stand my ground, what will that communicate? so what does it communicate if i keep taking away the food we're eating to give him anything that he is willing to eat? where does that lead us down the road.

and i'll tell you another thing; it is NOT very convenient. i end up having two different menus, half-eaten leftovers all over the fridge. and cupboards full of stuff i thought he would eat that are now just sitting there. grrrr. goes totally against my better sense of efficiency.

it's just very inconvenient for me. and certainly convenience is suppose to characterize parenting a toddler, RIGHT???~!!!!!

so basically, if toby doesn't eat whatever we give him, has only a small number of things he'll eat, is seen as a fussy kid--it's more of a pain for us, and we don't look so good. even if he is basically happy, still growing, and getting enough of something.

ah, there it is. it's all about me. sigh...

yep, i'm selfish to the core. and everything about this parenting role is being willing to lay down my rights (do i really have any anyway) and do what is ultimately best for my child, not  what is most convenient for me or makes me look good. those are MY issues or needs, and i don't need to be projecting MY issues onto him or looking to him to meet MY needs.

so the other night Steve, a friend from our homegroup, took us out to Pizza Hut for supper. we thought that would be a good choice b/c they'd have variety --salad, pasta, pizza. well, toby characteristially refused to even touch spaghetti or creamy pasta, and would only eat the bread once the cheese was peeled off. he subsisted on cucumbers from the salad bar, milk and bread, with one minor meltdown when i would not let him drink his whole cup of milk at the start (note to self: don't give him the whole cup at once). i was sooooo aggravated inside. to me, he was being one of those picky kids; and worse, he refused to even try new things. and, it had been a long day already.

but steve, on the other hand, saw things completely differently. "wow, look at him eat...he's been eating steadily the whole time." "wow, he's not acting up or wanting to get down; what a great little kid."

hmmm. what was he seeing that i was not? everything.

you see what you are looking for, I guess, and since i've been preoccuppied with this eating thing (and the sleeping thing), i've failed to see the forest for the trees. i've failed to see some of the great haibits that toby has, and how many potentially troublesome scenarios we aren't facing. it took steve's eyes for both me and rob to see that anew.

we're still battling it, trying to figure out what is the best way of handling the eating department, and from what i read online, i'm not alone in this - adopted kids or not. we'll figure it out. but what i want to try to remember is,that, this time is not about my convenience, or effieciency, or how quickly Toby learns something or develops, or what anyone else thinks of him or us. it's about us learning to love, learning to provide him with what he needs--including LOVE, safety, boundaries, stimulus, nutrition.

so, "mommy feeling good about herself winning a food battle" didn't make that list, did it?

i love my little boy. i love to see him learn. he's growing. he's exerting his preferences and even trying to tell me more in words what he wants. he's doing fine. i'm doing fine. it's all good. and during the worst of these challenges, tantrums, and whatever, i close my eyes, breathe deeply, and repeat some simple words that help me remember who i am: Jesus, i receive your love for me...i receive your love for me... 

if i can do that, i'll have enough flowing through me to overflow to Toby.