it's hard jumping into love. why didn't someone tell me?
i love toby. his little smile, his little voice, words, laugh, run, antics. he's a great, eager, curious, cute, bright, passionate, funny little boy. sometimes i look at him and just feel sad for all his own bio mother has lost - all that she will miss, never seeing her little son grow up.
this morning when it was clear toby wasn't going to go back to sleep, and he was somewhat layered over top of me kicking and flailing in fun, i began to hum the "skin-a-mir-inkee-dinkee-dink" song, which we often sing to him. as i hummed the very last phrase, toby was quick to echo with a nearly in-tune "i wuv yoo". wow, now that's impressive, i thought.
toby often says "i love you" now, with his own little accent, usually just after we've said it, but i've also heard it at random now a couple of times. does he understand at all what it means? i don't know probably not. on the other hand, it's always doled out with a smile, hug or kiss from one of us, so he likely associates it with positive feeling from mommy and daddy. and maybe, in toby's little understanding, he is truly saying it back.
poor little toby. he didn't choose us; one day, we were just there. and yet, within a number of weeks he began to "cleave"--probably without making any conscious choice on his part--it's just something that came naturally--or automatically to his little psyche once he had spent enough time with us. and now that "cleaving" stronger than ever, as attested to by the decibal of his crying yesterday in the church nursery once he realized i was gone. yep, heard it all the way upstairs; he can put it out there with the best of the birth-raised kiddos.
and toby didn't get to fill out any forms indicating what age, what sex, what race of mommy he wanted - or what temperament, physical problems or birth defects. he got what he was given; for better or worse, he got me. and apparently he doesn't care; somewhere in there, he just let go and started to love.
in the strangest way, little Toby has done so much better than i have. i, who have had two years to prepare, had a fair bit of choice in the matter, and have known about toby for several months, have a much harder time just "jumping in". i ride the waves of gratefulness, love, self-doubt, frustration, and exhaustion --and usually experience all of them in the same day.
we are taking a water babies class at the rec fitness center now. i have been so pleased at how easy it was to get Toby in the water. while he doesn't yet do the best with understanding or "following" the instructions and hates to get his head wet, he loves being in there; he's alert to all that's going on around him, and as long as i'm holding him tight, he exhibits little fear. i was astonished when the first time i stood him on the edge and smiled and encouraged him to jump, he smiled put his arms out and literally "fell" forward into my arms. no hesitation. complete trust. mommy is here and she will catch me. what did i do do deserve or earn that?
the best gift little Toby has given me is not his love - though i feel that and am warmed and grateful for it. it's his trust. i felt it already back in kaz in november, but now it's come fully grown. toby trusts me and expects me to care for him, feed him, play with him, and give him my full attention. that's why he demands so much! mommy is his everything right now! and even she can't fully understand him.
how frustrating it must be sometimes not to understand all that's said around you, and not to be understood, and i keep forgetting that! i keep expecting so much of the little guy, and being frustrated when he "won't listen" or is demanding or impatient. i keep needing to remind myself of all he has been through, survived, and even thrived through. i need to remind myself of all the new words and concepts he is hearing and learning each day, and how wonderfully he is responding to it all! and most of all, just need to keep letting him be two.
surely it may have been easier if i'd born him and raised him till now --but probably only b/c i wouldn't have had to jump in the deep end of the pool not really knowing how to swim. that's what it is, really, it's like flailing. even down to the last detail, like not knowing how to gather up him, our coats, my purse, and my library books at the library, with him screaming b/c he wants to stay and play. how did the other moms manage it? i don't see any of their kids having tantrums. and the library wants me to go upstairs and renew my card? whatever!
or how to get the stroller out of the back and set it up before he runs off into the busy parking lot or street...i mean, what do i do? strong-arm him like a bag of flour with one arm and try to open up the stroller with the other? i guess so. apparently. whatever it takes, at this point.
i love toby, but i think that i keep expecting that to make this easier. i always thought, when i'd look at haggard moms or come away from a less-than-thrilling babysitting adventure, oh well, it'll be different with my own, because i will LOVE them. well, um, hmmm, LOVE doesn't really make it easier. LOVE doesn't change that fact that he needs me 24/7. that he will probably scream about something everyday. that i want to sleep through the night without getting up. that i just don't know what is best to do about eating challenges or discipline issues most of the time. that i miss the easy days.
am i the only one feeling this way? of course i wouldn't go back...but, i think i expected to feel more grateful. i read other moms' blogs and posts - and sometimes it seems like everyone else is walking on a cloud of giddy happiness - despite their exhaustion (i exaggerate). but anyway, i'm not. what is my deal?
so my challenge today is to begin just THANKING God everyday - for this honor; for Toby's strong spirit, healthy body, and keen mind; for the energy and resource to do this; for the support that is all around me if i will just reach out for it.
i suppose i could have wished for a more compliant, easier, more gentle kid than Toby, and maybe i did wish for that; but that was back in the day when my "son" was just a hope, a whisper...not a real boy. and you know, none of that matters now--because i love Toby. Toby is so much better than a dream: he is real, alive, and HERE. i love all of him. i love all he is--even the parts that sometimes seem like difficult parts. all of it makes him uniquely Toby Rasul. i am going to try loving all of him the way he's loving all of me: just the way i am.
he is stinkin' precious--no matter how hard any moment of any day might be. and i will not forget how blessed i am.
i think i'm just gonna jump ...jump right on into love.
easier said than done but just take one hour at a time. and trust me, all the other mommies out there have had their share of struggles. i'll be the first to admit that i feel like i can be the worst mommy at times, and it still amazes me how much my girls still love me! God is good!
ReplyDeleteOne practical solution for the stroller - get the stroller out and set up before you unbuckle Toby :o) better to have him mad at being in the car while you are out than something bad happening.
Ditto Cindy, I was also going to suggest that he stays in the car until you get the stroller and what you need ready. I do have to laugh about not having a compliant child. I'm not sure any parent would admit that they have a compliant child. Also, we have all had our share of tantrums in public places. Didn't happen often, but when it did (in the grocery store), I left the cart, picked up the child and we went home. I always told the girls, if you throw a tantrum, we leave. I just had to do it once and that took care of the public scene. Good luck with your adjustment. Just follow you instincts. Don't you just marvel at how your Mom managed six kids?!!! Plus she didn't have an automatic washing machine, dish washer, microwave, disposable diapers, etc. Having children made me appreciate my Mom even more. Lonna
ReplyDeleteoh ...I can sooo relate! :-) I also ride the wave of all those emotions - usually every day - I'm just not brave enough to blog about it. You're not alone. Intentional gratitude is a great strategy - I think I'll join you in that :D. Love you! Charlotte
ReplyDeleteLonna - so true about mom! i can't imagine two kids now, let alone 6, and under less modern conditions. :-) then again, i think my sibs did as much "parenting" as my parents! (ha ha) but yes, i have thought of my momn often and been grateful for how loving and attentive she was.
ReplyDeleteabout the stroller: i didn't make clear that the trouble was that we were coming out of the library and taking the stroller out of the back to walk downtown - so that was the whole problem: toby was already out! i thought about just stuffing him on the seat till i had it out, and that might have been a solution. ;-p
I think your feelings are a normal part of mothering. When they let us walk out of the hospital with Kara, I wanted to question whether that was the wisest choice on their part. I'd never had a newborn before! What was I to do with her? I definitely felt as if I was flailing in the deep end. After Kyle was born, I was thrown back in the deep end along with a toddler. A whole new ball game. I will say prayer became more precious at this time in my life.
ReplyDeleteI want to encourage you to take a deep breath and remember this is part of Gods plan for your life. He is our strength when we feel weak, inadequate, under-qualified. There will of course be an adjustment time and that's okay. Don't be too hard on yourself. There isn't a mother alive that has all the answers every time. Toby will demand a lot physically and emotionally right now, but before you know it, he will be starting school and you'll wonder if you've taught him everything he needs to know to be away from you. Or, like me, if I've taught her everything she needs to know for high school! (btw, HOW did that happen?). But I felt the Holy Spirit tell me, no you haven't taught her everything, but you will have many opportunities in the next four years. You can talk about how to swim but the best way to learn is to jump in the water. If she loves Jesus more in four years than today, that is my goal.
You are doing a good job, my friend. You can do this, this very hard yet rewarding thing. Much love to you!