the beauty of it all, part 2

weeks later, i'm finally going to attempt this "part 2" post.

and it's not because i've had nothing great to report till now - i have! there for a while, it had just seemed that whenever i had a  little bit of time to blog, i was more ready to rant about some aspect of new parenthood than i was to reflect on the blessings.

but i'm ready to reflect on the blessings today, because they are manifold, and i am seeing them much more clearly than a few weeks ago.

what a great little boy Toby is. it's not that we did not know this a few weeks ago, or that we weren't grateful...but something happened toward the middle of last week, and it seems i turned a corner. maybe it's that whole thing about it taking six weeks to break a habit - or develop a new one. well, last week marked the six week mark for my having Toby in my care. and with it seemed to come a new joy, sense of peace, and apprecition for the wonder that he is, and the wonder that it is to be a mother. a new habit? maybe! i don't know, but about wednesday or so, i opened my eyes to the funloving, cute little being that i get to spend most of my waking days with, and i really started to have fun with him.

toby is fun! he is usually happy, silly, very passionate, determined, and loves to be with you. i've found myself giving him more hugs than ever, not being able to resist cuddling that cute little head as close to me as possible, and more willing to pick up that little urper whenever he is waving his arms at me or climbing up my leg in the kitchen, because--i know this time will pass.

the preciousness of this time dawned on me last week...the preciousness of this little boy wanting to spend time with me--doing whatever. strangely, it seemed to coincide with our internet being down for three days here at our house. hmmm...suddenly i realized how many things i do or want to do onine that take my attention away from Toby: writing/reading emails, checking facebook, uploading/organizing photos, searching for recipes or articles on kidstuff, blogging or checking others' blogs...the list goes on. so, about wednesday afternoon i just thought, the heck with it; i'm just gonna go play with toby the rest of the afternoon. so we read books, and more books, and made a bed for his stuffies down behind the couch, and watched Baby Einstein (which he loves) and went outside and were just all around silly. nothing distracting me. eating leftovers. just giving all my time to that little guy without trying to escape for a little "me time"--or to do the "adult stuff".

afterall, isn't this what maternity leave is supposed to be? time to spend at home with your child? the time will come soon enough--and i am ready for it in many ways (eager even) --for me to go back to work part time and let my mind be filled with thoughts that don't involve diapers, toys, schedules, meals and snacks or anything that actually happens within my house or with members of my household-- but, for now, i've been given this short, teensy window and allowed for that to be the only thing i'm really thinking about. and i finally said "it's OK if I'm not posting and dialoguing about it all online several times a week."

and once i did, Toby and i had our best week yet. yeah, there are still meltdowns, and i still get frustrated-- like last night when it took over an hour and 1 1/2 times trhough the lullaby CD for Toby to settle down and give-in to sleep, leaving me a measly 40 minutes of time to winddown after a long day--but for the most part, i'm enjoying things more now, and ...i'm feeling a TON more love for Toby.

i probably also gleaned a bit of perspective last week after having  several playdates and time with other mothers, seeing cranky kids being possessive, testing their moms, being terribly clingy, and me realizing-- hmmm, my little two-year-old is a pretty great little kid. and my new life as a toddler mom isn't all that hard, when you think about it. i'm not running after three or four, i'm not waking up at night to breastfeed, and all in all, Toby is fun to be with. you know, i've got it pretty good.

sometimes life sneaks up and gives you the kick in the pants you need to see things for what they are - to see how great you have it. my wonderful little family, rob, toby and me...we've been having a great time. toby makes us laugh all the time, we're down on the floor with him, imitating his crazy antics. every day we hear him say new words we didn't know he knew. every day we seem him get closer and more comfortable with us - almost like he never even knew he hadn't been here all the time. and watching that happen more and more with him and Rob has been amazing.

toby and i have this thing we do: i lay down on the floor or bed, in kind of a C shape. he gets a couple books, and he comes and nestles right in under my neck and against me, sometimes laying his head on my elbow, which is under my head. and then we read books. any variation of this position will do. and i just love it. i squeeze him. he turns his head up and looks at me (the same cute little look he often gives me in the morning when he's in our bed) and giggles as if to say, "hey, you're my mommy, and you're still there? wow, this is neato!" and i couldn't agree more. and then he turns back and inadvertently bonks me on the nose or chin with that hard little head. ah, the beauty of it all!

i think rob and i are incredibly, UNBELIEVABLY blessed that this is the little boy God chose to be our son. we already can't imagine this house without the sound of him in it...the emptiness, the quiet...and lucky for us, we don't often have to. not to say there is not a cost--but wow, the rich reward.

i am no longer just waiting for Toby to get through the Twos. and i would do it again - adopt a two-year-old. :-) so full of life and personality, yet still so moldable. oh, Lord, give us grace and wisdom to know how to love and shape him, this strong-spirited little live-wire who calls us Mommy and Dayyee!