funny toby, and better mommy

can't believe it was almost a week ago that i last posted.

on monday, i had prepared a long post - more of a rant, really, as monday was the WORST day i had yet with Toby, ever.  it had been a really long day, he and i were at odds from mid-morning, my fuse was short, and no reprieve was in sight and i couldn't find anyone to come and give me a break. to top it off, rob worked late, not getting home till 7:40. basically, rob walked in the door, and i handed him the baby wipes, grabbed my coat and keys and got in the car and took off, driving around for an hour. just a horrible, horrible mommy day, and i was just DONE.

between a rough thurs-saturday, and a terrible monday, i learned that i need to ask for help, and arrange for breaks for myself. it is just something i HAVE to do if this stay at home thing is going to work. on tuesday, armed with a new attitude and two visits with friends lined up, as well as a water baby class in the afternoon, i headed into the day. i made sure that the first thing i did was spend a good amount of on-the-floor playtime with toby early in the day - to try to fill up his cup early, so he didn't need to run on empty and crabby. we sepnt some playtime at Burger King's playground. a firend came to play with him for an hour, and i was able to get a shower. he took a car nap, i had a little time off. another friend came after his nap, and a mellow Toby hung out on my lap happily. rob was home early and we had a good supper together. it was just an entirely different day - a very good day.

how could two days be so different? i need to learn - and remember - that a bad day doesn't mean the rest of my relationship with Toby will be that way! i wrapped up my blogpost that night--but i couldn't get it to post -perhaps it was internet problems, i don't know. but after two really good days, where i have really enjoyed Toby and managed things OK, i wonder if it isn't better that i never posted that post...

it is a blessing - just a blessing - that Toby wants his mommy so much. when he tries to crawl up my leg while i'm washing dishes or preparing lunch, i try to remember: he loves me. he feels most secure with me. this is a baby who didn't even know me almost three months ago....

when he brings me yet another book and backs up to sit in my lap, i try to remember how thrilled i was those first few days at the baby home, that this warm little boy would even sit in my lap...

when he scurries away from me with just his diaper on when i'm trying to get him dressed for bed, happy to be free, i try to remember how i used to sit and hold that sleeper sometimes, thinking the day would never come that we'd have a little one running around...

when he gets to that point in his meal where he begins to put his whole hand in his soup bowl, playfully mashing his bread down, or he starts to drop little food items in his milk, i remember...this is the little boy who drew only straight lines on the paper that first week - the little boy whom we prayed would be freed to express his personality and come out of his shell...

and when i hear "mom-ma! mom-ma!" for the fiftieth time in an hour - i remember how strangely quiet our house used to be--and how eager i was for the sound of a little laughing voice...

and with all these things in mind, i am SO GRATEFUL to have Toby in our lives. this is surely one of the hardest things i've ever done--but, this is what we prepared ourselves for; this is what we wanted. this is what we needed...and i would never go back.

there is NO sound on earth more beautiful to my ears than Toby's laugh...it's like this little bubbling brook. there is no sweeter smile than that little dimpled smile that escapes his little face. when he wakes up early in the morning after i've brought him over to our bed, and he turns and looks at me and smiles and folds his little hands together - i think, Wow, how is it that this little boy, so cautious only three months ago, now looks me in the eye, caresses my face--or sticks his little face directly above mine and laughs?!! as we drive down the road, i will turn and glance back at him and smile, and his little lips will turn up as if to say "you're my mommy." and my heart is absolutely WARMED.

our little Toby Rasul...it isn't all easy, and we're still learning how to parent you and love you...but already we can't really imagine this house, this home, this life, without you in it. and we are going to make it just fine.