a few "mother's heart" bits...

it's been a whirlwind of a day, but I am glad to say that I am a lot calmer tonight. I've enjoyed and so appreciated everybody's well-wishes, notes and prayers throughout the day-- this is TRULY an exciting time...it's WONDERFUL to think that in two short weeks from today we should be meeting our little boy...amazing!

it's a bit overwhelming really...for so many months he has been only a name, a few photos, an updated set of measurements...a dream. But soon we will see him with our eyes, touch him with our hands, smell him, hold him, hear his voice...I can't quite grasp it, and I have to admit--it's frightening to me...it is so...real. 

what unknowns await us? what challenges? what joys, what disappointments?

and then the nagging thought: are we really ready for this? shouldn't we, couldn't we have done so much more to prepare? read more books, taken more classes, hung out with more toddlers...are these normal thoughts?

sigh. we've got only YOU Lord, as our guarantee. we're guaranteed that YOU will be with us...that YOU will provide...that YOU see us, and YOU see him...YOU have orchestrated our lives, and our coming together.

I remember a particular moment on a particular day early in January...i was driving home after church, turning at a particular intersection, and feeling heavy--concerned. We'd received some updated measurements, and our little boy hadn't grown much in the past few months. Why? Why wasn't he thriving? The fears of a mother gripped me that week, and yet, I knew I was helpless; there was not one thing I could do to get over there any faster to take care of him myself--not one thing.

but as I made that right turn on the corner of Main and Madison, the bright winter sun shone in the car and a thought came clearly into my mind: you have prayed for him continuously since August--that our God would provide everything he needs. Now, do you believe a single word of what you've prayed--that God is actually doing those things--or don't you? and if you're not going to believe God would do what you've asked of Him, why did you bother praying it? 

since that afternoon, I have held to this: that no matter how small he is, whether he's malnourished, not fed properly or tended to carefully as a cleft palate baby needs to be, or whether there is another problem that we don't yet know about--there is nothing that God can't redeem. Nothing has been lost, b/c God has been caring for him in our absence. And when we have him, God will still be the One who cares for him. I saw everything in a new light in that moment.

admittedly, these worries come back--but when they do, I have to go back to that bright moment in the car, my "stone of remembrance" moment--and I choose trust. all you parents out there...don't you have to do the same, every day you love? 

 

look at the birds of the air; 
they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, 

and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. 
are you not much more valuable than they? 

who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

time to fill out some visa applications. :-) goodnight everybody.