welcome back, and preparing for the "storm"

i just sent out an email to many of you, inviting you back; so, if you haven't been here for a while (and since i wasn't writing for a while, you probably haven't, welcome back. :-)

if you're new, you might want to read back to last spring to get a little context of our family journey. 'nuff said.

so, this morning is one of those rare mornings. i don't work fridays (which is a GREAT arrangement; i highly recommend it). but usually i've made a running list all week of the 300 things i need to do, so that i wake up running and feeling behind before i even get started.

not today. today, i got up at 6:20 like normal, made rob's lunch and saw him off as i always do, put away the dishes and swept the floor, and then...i went back to bed. how rare, and how glorious.

i've previously felt too guilty to enjoy such behavior. i have this "get a lot of stuff done in the morning or you feel useless" mentality --but, not so much lately. somehow these past two or three months, i've been able to have a lot more grace on us. if we have the chance to sleep in and we want to, i say, let's do it. cuz, quite frankly, rob's and my days are NUMBERED. soon, there will be a little person waking us up at who-knows-what hour of the day or night!

so, this morning i'm catching up on some blogging/emails, having a cup of coffee, and then i think i will sit down and read more of one of my toddler books.

i've almost finished Toddler Adoption: the Weaver's Craft, and just this week i received The Connected Child in the mail. somehow i missed these books the first time round, but i feel very grateful to have discovered them, because, quite frankly, the short classes we took to fulfill our adoption agency requirements barely touched the surface of the issues that can be related to adopting a toddler.

i'm finding that adopting a toddler might be the most challenging age to adopt. i suppose it's always better the younger you adopt a child, but, a toddler is going through such crucial developmental stages that, the more disruptions they have at that time, the more difficulty they could in attaching to us (the new parents) and thereby in develo9ping healthy attachments in general, and a healthy sense of self and boundaries and...oh, it just goes on from there.

a couple weeks ago i was actually pretty overwhelmed; i had to close the book one night and just put it away, b/c i was getting freaked out. what are we getting ourselves into? what is really in store for us? who will understand what we're walking through if this is really difficult?

but i've continued to read on and have been encouraged. even in the worst situations where there are serious attachment issues, there are strategies that help little ones attach. it's amazing, and it's really interesting. some of these strategies are things that you as parents can put in place and do; sometimes they require the help of a trained professional. there's holding therapy; play therapy; reverting back through developmental stages that the child should have passed through by their age, in order to have them move through them with you...and the best thing is that they seem to work.

i think i write this today because i have realized i need to feel that i'm not alone. the last thing i want is to be stuck here in our house in goshen without any immediate family around while rob goes off to work, with this little toddler facing immense challenges that i don't know how to handle, and NOT know that others are with me in this - that they understand the pain and grief a little child has to go through even when they're been taken from an orphanage and put in a good home, and the challenges that we may be facing in helping him adjust. i realized a few weeks ago that something that i can do to help myself then, is to share some of the what could be's with others now.

we could face:
- multiple temper tantrums a day that could last even up to an hour
- frequent crying
- a child that can't sleep at night, in fact, fights sleeping
- a child that won't eat, or won't allow us to feed him
- a child that cringes when you touch them or resists affection
- a very independent child who insists on doing everything for themselves
- a child that clings continually and breaks down when routines can't be followed or the parent is out of sight
- a child that manipulates, even though they don't realize that's what they do, as a form self-protection and power b/c they believe there is no one else who will take care for them if they don't
- a child that kicks, hits, bites, scratches us or others

OK, that all sounds pretty bad, and some of those things are pretty extreme. we have no reason to think our child will struggle with all or any of those things. but neither do we have any way of knowing he won't! or of knowing what trauma he may have experienced in his short little life, that brought him to the point of being in a baby home and adoptable by foreigners.

i guess, this time around, i feel strongly the need to be prepared. if i am at least aware of what these "worsts" are, they can't surprise me quite so much. and if i know there are ways to help them through this--even if it takes months, or even years--then there is strength and hope.

the first time round, much as i hate to say it, it was so much about me, about us. "what kinds of parents would we be," "what will others think of us" "what will we feel like", "what will our little family be like"...and yes, those same thoughts are ALL there...but the reading i've been doing these past couple weeks and months has been helping me so much to see it from their world...from the world of a little child who should have had love, security, parents, affection, attention, shelter, food, enough...and for some reason, hasn't.

really, none of the little ones i saw in k-stan could be characterized by the behaviors up above. most of them seemed happy, adjusted, affectionate, pleased by their caregivers...and neither have i read about such extremes on the blogs i'm following. my hope is that with k-stan's reputation for excellent care, that our little guy will have thrived as much as can be expected in the baby home. but we really don't know.

i need to be ready to love him --without the promise of him loving me back, at least for a while. i need to practice consistency with him, for his sake, even though consistency isn't one of my fortes. i need to be patient, confirming continually that we will be there, are not leaving him, that we love him, that he is good, that he's gonna be OK --even when he's not acting lovable or when i'm not sure I'm gonna be OK. i need to keep trying to give gentle affection, even if it's being rejected. i need to trust and believe--even when i see other friends with their beautiful and normally-adjusted two year olds--that we are meant to be with this little boy and to love him and be his parents and help him navigate the world. and i need to do all that NOT for me - but for him. Because God has seen fit to bring him to us.

phew. am i up for this? really up for this? being in k-stan in march and facing what we faced, and not feeling ready for it taught us a lot. maybe we didn't take stock of what we were getting into. maybe we were just naive and i needn't be too hard on us. in any case, i have peace about what happened. but what i also have is another chance to examine myself, to ready myself, and to step up to the challenge of mothering one of God's wonderfully created little people, whom someone else was unable to mother.

and i'm excited for it! even after all that i just wrote, i can't help but be so eager to meet this little person and try my best to do and be for him the best mom that i can be. i know that no matter how hard it's going to be, we are going to make it through, and we're going to be family. and God is going to be with us helping us.

(D & A, i don't know if you're reading this or not, but reading your blog has helped me a lot. hearing your recounts of getting to know your little two-year-old...seeing his little personality, his little quirks, seeing him learning, seeing him opening up to you...it has warmed my heart to meeting someone that age. so thank you! )

so anyway, that's a little of my morning, and a little of my thought-process. it helps me to know that some of you are reading this, and that those of you in Goshen know that these are the things i am thinking about--in addition, of course, to be being excited about embarking on this adventure. hopefully you won't and don't assume it will be easy for us nor all glorious (i know that you don't!), but that you too know it's going to require a lot of us, because we're going to need your support and encouragement a LOT!

there, so that's said. if any of you are interested in reading any of these books, i would love sharing them with you. it would mean a lot! i could also point you to shorter articles on the same subjects. there are so many great resources out there.

OK, think i better go be productive now, the caffeine has kicked in. :-)

sandy