so, where have i been?

i can't believe i have posted nothing in the past two weeks; how is this possible?

well, I did get a substantial post of toby photos almost completed, but it seems blogger didn't save the whole thing; hpefully i can finish that one tonight..

so what's the big news, what have we been up to...

1. IT'S OFFICIAL! the adoption decree was finalized in Kaz on the 6th, so YAY! we are officially toby's legal parents. the great news was tempered a bit by our caseworker saying "expect delays" because of office closings and back-log in Kaz ...seems they've whooped it up over the holidays and aren't in too much of a hurry to process these kids' passports! it's very disheartening for all of us waiting families...the word "march" was even used...

please tell me it will not be MARCH before i go back for Toby! i am praying for MID-FEBRUARY. that, i can wrap my mind around. march is just TOO depressing to think about. that would be over two months. can a little one still remember us after that?

still, i'm determined to make the best of it - there is no point in being angry...we have been patient and waited for two years..two more months can't be that bad. keep busy till then. lots to do, which leads me to point two..

2. RENOVATIONS. bathroom redo. yes, we are hoping to get the main bathroom redone before then, so we've been looking at some stuff at menards, etc. and also had a couple people in to look at it. hopefully will hear back from the contractor, and hopefully it is affordable.

oddly, i'm not that excited about it like i normally am to "redo" something, nor do i feel like it's urgent to do this; but it's something we're wanting to do eventually and definitely before we would sell this house, so it seems there will never be an easier time than when we don't have any kids in the house. i guess from this aspect the delay could serve us well. i'm also thinking that perhaps, if indeed i have to wait longer than i'm thinking right now to go back, maybe i'll also do some other projects, painting, etc. of course, i've still got LOTS to do to get ready for Toby - not big stuff--but going through the clothes and toys people have given us and seeing what else he may need, child-proofing, etc., and the final organization of his room.

it's funny; it's been about 14 or 15 months now since we got that room ready. i'm used to seeing it this way, but without a little one in it; how will it be to actually get OUR SON--the one we've prepared that room for--finally there? i almost can't imagine it. but then i remember sweet little Toby...and then i think i can picture him there. our sweet little Toby Rasul, come home!!!

3. RETREAT. last weekend i went up to the Hermitage, a retreat center in michigan, and had a 24-hr personal retreat. i had planned this back in november figuring it would be sort of a "last-hurrah" with just myself and God. boy, it was SO GREAT. i think i'll devote a whole separate post to it... what a wonderful place.

4. this week was a busy one, with games at the Shenks on tuesday night and then a belated christmas/new years party with our homegroup on thursday night, and a movie with Loves on Friday night. my "people cup" was SO filled - i love it! but it did make for very little time at home in the evenings to get anything done though. i have done almost NOTHING to prepare for little Toby yet. ...

5.the other thing that contributed to my general busyness the past 1 1/2 weeks was preparing for an evening of extended worship at church last night, which I led.

i felt so rusty and inadequate going into this. it's really been quite a while since I've led an extended time of worship - probably over a year. heck, it's been at least two months since i've even led worship on a Sunday morning! but i was really grateful for this opportunity: it got me behind the keyboard again, into my Bible, and on my knees in prayer...all good things.

about 30 people showed up, which is pretty good for something like this, and this included the youth group, which added a neat dynamic. rob asked me later how it went. you know how when you cook something that took a lot of time to prepare, and then when you finally eat it, you can't really tell if it's good or not? well, that's the way the evening was for me. i had put a LOT of preparation into it - probably too much. being so rusty, i really felt the need to have things well-planned out rather than go with my sometimes more spontaneous, multi-optioned worship set with lots of room for spontaneous singing, etc. and it went pretty well from a technical standpoint, but i couldn't help but wondering if it was a little...uninspired.

when i worship-lead, i mean everything i sing; i wouldn't sing it if i didn't mean it. i wouldn't expend my time and my life if i didn't believe worship--expressing praise and love to my Father--was important. and leading others in it is the best--one of my favorite things. so it's truly a labor of love. but i think i had just spent so much time preparing, that i couldn't tell if it was anointed or not. i kind of went to bed wondering, Lord, did I do OK? did I honor you, or was it all about me and what i wanted to sing?

to put yourself out there, with all your insecurities, knowing you're not the best singer or worship leader or keyboardist, and you're not particularly in practice, and to just go with it--well, it's a very vulnerable place. in the end, you just do your best, and leave it to God, hoping you met some mark--that you honored Him and served the Body.

afterwards, and this morning at church, i had several people mention how much the time had ministered to them; i have to admit--this was really comforting. i know i ultimately do it for the Lord and shouldn't seek the praise of men. but, the affirmation from humans is pretty affirming, and comforting. and i guess i think that if in the time of worship at least one person met the Lord deeply, maybe that in itself made it all worth it.

5. the other thing that made my weekend busy was preparing lunch today for the college students. in the end, only five Goshen college students were at church, but i had prepared a LOT of food, so we grabbed the kempfs and the beachys and had a great time. got everything cleaned up at about 2:30.

you know, towards the end of the week i was just dying for Sunday afternoon, when i'd finally be able to kick off my shoes and relax - hadn't really felt like i had relaxed in a couple weeks. the odd thing was that, getting to this afternoon, i actually felt great. i think --my cup just feels FULL. this morning at church was just a wonderful time...worshiping, taking communion, and hearing Brenda Bachman's testimony --there was just a real sense of openness amidst the group; maybe part of it was many of us having spent the evening together worshiping last night. there was just something special there. so my God-cup was full.

and my people cup was full too...a week full of good friends and good people. a wonderful church community. a wonderful little Toby waiting for us to come get him, a great and faithful hubby here by my side.  i am truly blessed, i really am. i am so loved. and tonight my heart just feels full of love ready to be given too.

thank you, Lord, for this life.