let's start again

hello, 2012.

i was a little stunned to learn I hadn't really "written" on my blog since April; I knew it was bad, but, april?

it's not a matter of having nothing to write - the Lord knows I've written a thousand blog entries over the past eight months. i would say it's been the time factor, but I suppose i could have prioritized it. maybe, rather, an energy thing, a focus thing: the action of loving and mothering has demanded a lot of me, and something had to go, even something i'd enjoyed as much as blogging. and the pressure i self-impose to "get it right" even in a blogpost seemed just too much.

i regret all the firsts i didn't chronicle...like the first time toby excitedly leaned in to give me a kiss without it being solicited first by me (may or june), or the random hugs and "i wuv you"s i began receiving in september or october, or the addition of all the wonderful words to toby's vocabulary. i wish i had chronicled his developement...the first time he crawled out of his crib, peed on the potty, successfully rode his tricylce, said a nine-word sentence ("i tried to do it but i could not!" --spoken about building a snowman at the babysitter's) and the hundreds of other amazing steps he's taken during these short ten months. but i didn't. i just didn't get it done.

some of these achievements will live in our memories, and like many precious momentary things in our lives, others will fade away completely till we no longer remember a time when our little toby couldn't do this or that. (when did "po-pay-yo" became "po-ta-to", and "o-ku-yu" became "squirrel"? and "hamiguhber" become--oh, it's still hamiguhber ;-])

but we'll never forget the amazing year we've experienced with toby. we'll never forget the reserved, cautious and withdrawn little baby boy we met in Ust, and how he has flowered to become the rambunctious, secure, lively, curious, outgoing, entertaining, affectionate, articulate and STRONG little boy whose life is securely woven into the very threads of our own.

when i'm feeling low, when disappointments have come, and even as i look forward to hopes and dreams that lay as of yet unfilled, i look at toby...i look at him and i remember...there was a tough, rocky, and sometimes dark road we had to travel before the Lord brought him into our lives, a road that included a lot of agonizing waiting. I know now, and am able to say-- every high and low on that road was worth it, because it led us to him.

but the road goes on, doesn't it. toby wasn't the end of our road, just a wonderful addition along the way, one who forever makes our journey richer and brighter.

so, as i step into this new year, my hope is that i can see through, see beyond the dips and blows and weights that sometimes seem crushing, and trust that just around another bend, God has even greater things for us, things that we just can't see, imagine--or map out-- now.

i can say that 2010 and 2011 were certainly a testament to His goodness and faithfulness. the lesson to internalize? look back and learn, so that you can look forward with hope, and without fear.